Supporting Confidence Through Meaningful Praise
Let’s be honest, who doesn’t say “good job” to their kids? It’s the ultimate catch-all phrase. It slips out easily while you’re making dinner, answering an email, or half-watching playtime. And of course, it comes from a good place.
But what if our praise could do more than simply acknowledge that we noticed something? What if the words we use could actually help children build confidence, motivation, and self-awareness?
Why “Good Job” Isn’t Always Enough
When we rely on phrases like “good job,” we’re often offering evaluative praise; language that judges a child’s performance rather than helping them understand what they did and why it mattered.
While evaluative praise isn’t harmful in small doses, when used frequently it can:
Place judgment on a single action
Tie a child’s worth to performance
Create pressure to always “do well”
Instead, Montessori encourages a different approach - descriptive praise.
What Is Descriptive Praise?
Descriptive praise focuses on what the child did, how they did it, and what the outcome was. Rather than evaluating the child, we describe their actions and allow them to recognize the value of their work.
Evaluative Praise
“Good job!”
“Good boy!”
“What a fantastic drawing!”
Descriptive Praise
“Thank you for helping me. We finished cleaning much faster together.”
“You worked very hard on that drawing. I like the colors you chose.”
“Wow, you hopped on one foot! That takes a lot of balance.”
Do you notice the difference? Evaluative praise decides whether something is “good” or “bad.” Descriptive praise gives children information they can use to understand their effort, choices, and abilities.
Why Descriptive Praise Works
Descriptive praise helps children:
Recognize the impact of their actions
Build self-awareness and vocabulary
Develop intrinsic motivation
In the examples above, the adult points out why the action mattered:
Helping led to a task being completed more quickly
Effort resulted in a detailed, thoughtful drawing
Physical skill required balance and coordination
Instead of needing an adult’s approval, the child begins to understand the value of their work on their own.
The Montessori Perspective on Praise
In Montessori environments, external rewards (including excessive praise) are discouraged. The goal is not for children to act in order to receive approval, but to develop internal motivation.
Children are guided to find joy, purpose, and meaning in their work. Whether it’s cleaning up, solving a math problem, or creating art. This doesn’t happen automatically. Adults play a key role by helping children reflect on what they’ve done and why it matters.
We want children to say:
“I like doing this,” not “Will you like me if I do this?”
But Isn’t Praise Important for Self-Esteem?
Yes. Children absolutely need encouragement and support. Developing healthy self-esteem is a shared responsibility of parents, caregivers, and the larger community. Research suggests that very young children (under age two) benefit from frequent encouragement as they explore independence. However, as children get older, praise becomes more nuanced.
Older children are often keenly aware of adult motivations. They may wonder:
Are you trying to get me to behave?
What happens if I don’t do it this well next time?
Studies show that excessive evaluative praise can:
Discourage children from trying challenging tasks
Increase fear of making mistakes
In some cases, contribute to unhealthy self-concepts
The intention is confidence, but the outcome can sometimes be pressure.
The Key Is How We Praise
Research consistently shows that descriptive praise, especially when it focuses on things children can control, has positive effects. Helpful focus areas include:
Effort
Persistence
Strategy
Choices
Attitude
When children are praised for things outside their control, like intelligence or being “good”, they may feel helpless when something doesn’t go well. Descriptive praise, on the other hand, empowers children to try again, problem-solve, and take on challenges.
Guidelines for Using Descriptive Praise
1. Describe What You See
This is often the simplest place to start.
“You went down the slide.”
“You finished the whole puzzle.”
2. Notice Positive Outcomes or Benefits
Help children connect their actions to results.
“You ran across the playground, that’s great exercise for your body.”
“You put your shoes away, so we know where to find them next time.”
3. Express Gratitude When Appropriate
When children help, share, or contribute, model gratitude.
“Thank you for helping.”
“I appreciate how you’re sharing with your sister.”
This kind of language becomes second nature with practice, and it’s one of the ways Montessori guides are often recognized. Many adults are surprised when they first realize just how often they say “good job.”
A Big List of Descriptive Praise to Try
“I noticed how hard you worked on that.”
“You did it.”
“It must feel good to do that all by yourself.”
“Thank you for helping.”
“Your sister looks really happy that you’re sharing.”
“You didn’t give up, even though it was hard.”
“Thank you for waiting.”
“You worked on that for a long time.”
“I can see your practice is paying off.”
“I really appreciate your help.”
“I can tell you really enjoy dancing/jumping/building.”
Turn Praise Into a Conversation
For children with more language, asking open-ended questions invites reflection and deeper thinking:
“What do you like best about your painting?”
“What are you going to do next?”
“Tell me about what you made.”
A Final Thought
Switching from “good job” to descriptive praise takes practice. It may feel awkward at first, and that’s okay. With time, it becomes a natural and powerful way to support your child’s confidence, independence, and love of learning. Small changes in language can make a big difference.